香山リカのココロの万華鏡：まずは自分を大切に ／東京

(Mainichi Japan) July 10, 2011
Kaleidoscope of the Heart: Close family ties important but so is independence
香山リカのココロの万華鏡：まずは自分を大切に　／東京

The March 11 Great East Japan Earthquake has reminded many members of the public of the importance of family bonds, but some people feel stressful because their ties with their family members are too close.
　大震災を機に家族のきずなの大切さが見直されているが、きずなが強すぎるあまり苦しむ人もいる。

In my consultation room, family relations are one of the top three problems that my patients complain about.
　診察室でも「家族との問題」は、いつの時代も悩みごとのトップ３に入る。

"My parents don't understand my feelings," one of them says.
　「親が私の気持ちをわかってくれない」

"I don't understand what my children are thinking about," another says while shedding tears.
「子どもが何を考えているのか、まったくわからない」と話しては涙をハラハラこぼす、といった光景もめずらしくない。

In such cases, I would like to say, "Never mind. You and your family members are separate individuals."
　そんなとき、私はいつも「まあ、家族といえども別々の人間なのですから」と言いたくなるが、

However, in the eyes of those who have problems with their kin, families other than their own appear to be very happy.
家族問題に悩む人には、自分以外はみな“仲良し家族”に見えるらしい。

Such a view is just an illusion.
決してそんなことはないはずだし、

Moreover, there are a growing number of those living alone who would say, "I don't live with any family members in the first place."
最近は単身者世帯も増えているから「そもそも同居の家族なんていない」という人も少なくないだろう。

I occasionally recommend that young people who have serious family problems leave home and live alone because I think it will be a good opportunity to be independent and self-reliant.
　家族の問題であまりに苦しむ若者には、「家を出てみたら？」とすすめることもある。それを自立のきっかけにすればよい、と思うからだ。

However, they hesitate to live apart from their parents and siblings citing their own financial difficulties.
　ところが、彼らは「経済的にちょっと」などと言いながらなかなか親やきょうだいのもとから離れようとしない。

When I recently advised a woman in her 20s to live alone, she replied, "Living apart from my family is nothing but an escape from the problems I face."
　先日も２０代の女性にひとり暮らしを提案したら、「別々に暮らすのは逃げにしかすぎない」と言われた。

The woman apparently wants to confront her parents and fundamentally solve her family problems.
　「あくまで親と対決して、問題を根本から解決したい」というのがその人の考え方のようなのだが、

However, I feel that it is wiser to evade family problems without confronting one's family members.
家族問題は戦わずにかわすのが賢い気がする。

If you buy time while distancing yourselves from your families, your family problems will naturally disappear in many cases.
そして距離を置きながら時間稼ぎをするあいだに、問題が形を変え、自然に解決していくことが多いのではないだろうか。

Today, people tend to call for a prompt resolution to any problem, but there are some problems that need to be solved over a long period of time.
　即断即決が推奨される世の中だが、中には時間がかかることもあるのだ。

Furthermore, in some cases, you may never understand or sympathize with your family members.
　そして、家族とはいってもどうしても理解し合えない、相性が悪いということだって、やっぱりあるのではないかと思う。

In such cases, you should not worry about it and instead go your own way.
その場合はもうあまりこだわらずに、自分の道を歩んで行けばよい。

You can have bonds with people other than your family members.
きずなは家族以外の人とでも築けるはずだ。

News organizations recently played up an incident in which the brother of a famous baseball player was arrested for possessing marijuana.
　最近も、有名野球選手の弟が大麻所持などで逮捕された、というニュースが大きく報じられていた。

It's understandable for the public to express an interest in the news, but the baseball player is probably resentful, saying to himself, "I had nothing to do with the incident."
つい興味を持ってしまう気持ちもわかるが、実力の世界でがんばっている兄としては、「自分とは関係ないのに」と苦々しい思いだろう。

Still, does the player have to expect that when family members are involved in any incident, it will make the news and he himself will be asked by news organizations to comment on the incident?
それでも家族のこととなれば、こうして報道されたりコメントを求められたりしても仕方ないのか。

Family bonds are important, but it is not necessarily true that the closer family bonds are, the happier one becomes.
　家族のきずなは大切だけれど、そのきずなが強ければそれでよい、というわけではない。

First of all, you should respect yourselves and be independent and self-reliant.
まずは自分を大切にして、自立をきちんと果たす。

You should build up your relations with family members only after that. Don't think that such an idea is too cold.
家族のことはその上で、と言うのはちょっと冷たすぎるだろうか。

(By Rika Kayama, psychiatrist)
毎日新聞　2011年7月5日　地方版